Inability 

I don’t know if I would take this down eventually, it is quite a personal thing for me to write, but I wanted to just document it down, in fear it will get worse, and in hope it can only get better. I had anxiety a long time ago, so long ago, that I don’t remember what it takes for it to occur, much less reoccur… 

The recent series of events and the INABILITY to talk to anyone about it, has probably stretched it a little too thinly for me. The amount of times the past weeks, I stood outside at my balcony, crying and struggling to breathe and not being able to step back inside (let alone other people). I wanted so desperately to rest at proper night timings, but every bone in my body and my mind wouldn’t let me. Oh, the nightmares too that comes along. Night after night. 

I know what it takes to have to work on not having anxiety rule 85% of my brain. It is a lengthy process, and I know this time what triggered it, and I now have to work bloody hard to overcome it. It is so hard. 

Some afternoons the past weeks, it was so bad, I had to take time off work. Well, in the past, when it comes to being in an anxious state, I am unable to have control over it. Now, I actually know what being nervous feels like, and I can more or less cope with it, and not allow it to escalate. 

I thought I will never have to go through all of this again. I did not expect to feel this way. I don’t often cry or am non-positive – or almost never, but this gripping anxiety is nothing related to mood. I do not want to feel anxious, and it is not something I want. 

It is so hard to breathe. And everytime I can almost feel my chest beating out of my skin. Only a squeeze machine might help. 

But it goes go away. It does. Eventually. Sometimes after 10 minutes. Sometimes in between waking up and feeling it gripping, and falling back asleep and it goes away. Sometimes in the broad daylight, it doesn’t go away fast enough, and that gets scary. It seems like the day is wasted and the INABILITY to be functional and present for those around me, kills me. It feels like I cannot control it. I can’t and yet I can. It is just lengthy and it takes time to not let it occupy all of me. Sometimes it takes second to recalibrate, sometimes it takes minutes. 

This is simply gripping. 

After an attack, I feel so upset but it is mostly anger. Angry at myself for not having any control and angry that I don’t know how to make it stop. Then I feel angry because I feel like nobody understands- or rather, I can’t say it. 
First attack was 28 Feb night 11pm. 2nd attack was 14 Mar or 15 Mar 3am. 

I wish all of this goes away.  
“Do not let the fear of fighting the old overwhelm, but build the new. And smell the flowers along the way. Flowers at my feet…” 

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